I was going through some old writings and I came across a few I will share with you. Most of these were written for Myspace and I just copied and pasted the directly, so it does have the current moods and all of that stuff on there.
May 19, 2008 - Monday
A Woman’s Choice
Current mood: irritated
As most of you know, I have endometriosis. I was diagnosed with it a few years ago and have simply, "learned to live it with."
"Learning to live with it" has meant constant pain, sometimes mild, sometimes not, yearly sonograms, MRIs, the constant threat of another laparoscopy, and ultimately a hysterectomy. The later occurring, of course, "once I complete my family."
Ok. Question. What does that mean exactly? What's wrong with my family now? Since I am a woman, does that make me morally obligated to have more than one child? Does it make me a social outcast or a bad human being because I'm not interested in having more than one child? Who invented this concept that since I have a vagina, I am supposed to want to be a nurse or teacher and get married and pop out babies?
I admire the women who have the strength and the love to have many babies. Not me. I think being woman enough to admit that I am not capable of love for more than one child makes me a decent human being. Standing up and staying, "NO! I will not be the stereotypical woman" makes me weird, apparently. Thats ok. I love being weird and seeing how I am surrounded by people who love me, I reckon people love that I am weird.
The whole point of this, and there is one I promise, is shouldn't I have the right to decide to end my pain and have a hysterectomy with my life the way it is? Am I not an adult who should have the decision over her body? I have to live with the pain and the yearly exams. Shouldn't I then have the right to say, I've had enough, please end it?
I agree that I am still young and can see where the hesitation would come from. However, I was a young mom (17) and my son just turned 10. In a few (way too short) years, he will be ready to start his life adventure. When he is out there in the world making his little path in this big world, I will still be young enough to have my life too. My life's path isn't paved, I still have time to do some of the things I missed out on because I devoted my life to being a mom. I have no desire to start that path out with a baby. Most of you know my life's goal is to make movies. Why can't I then make my movies, pain free, while my son is carving his life's path? Does that make me selfish? Probably.
There's another subject I want to address. My passion for film. Yes. I am a girl. I want to make movies. Yes. I know its hard. Yes. I know I won't be taken seriously. Yes. I know most people think its stupid and ridiculous and I'm wasting my time and while everyone else is being successful, I will most likely still trying to get my "big break". So what. It's my life. It makes me happy. I'm not hurting anyone but myself. So, think what you want, I don't care. I've never been one to care what other people think or being the "norm". Yes, I'm weird.
June 26, 2008 - Thursday
You still gotta love kids
Current mood: silly
Ok, so, my child has a crush on Hannah Montana and is a huge fan of the Naked Brothers Band. He won't come out and tell you he likes Miley and he will ever act all mad when you mention her in his presence. I think its cute as hell. At least I know my child will have good taste, Miley Cryus is a doll.
The Naked Brothers band, on the other hand, is flippin' annoying. They are doing this contest where you can win a chance to attend a NBB recording and get all this NBB stuff and blah blah blah and of course he has been bouncing off the wall for me to write the entry. Well, between me trying to get rep with the Mag'har (I wanted my talbuk damn it) [World of Warcraft] and other stuff, he took it upon himself and tried to make out the entry. The instructions said to hand print his name, addy, phone, and all of that. So, what does he do? Draws a picture of his hand on a piece of paper (it did say HAND PRINT) and then wrote a paragraph with his name, my name, and all the other stuff. How cute was that?
Now, back to Miley. You know that new song she has out... "oh she's just being Miley..." I just love singing that to him! Of course, I only know about half of the words to it, but I can BS my way through it pretty good when its on the radio. I will crank the song up, start singing in my WORST Hannah Montana/Miley Cryus voice I can make, and dance to it while driving in the car. He ends up in the floor board by the time the song over. *sigh* The woes of being a mom.
Ode to My Ovaries Part One The Office visit, prior to Pre Op
Current mood: amused
Well, first of all, you go in the the mds office and have to put on that stupid gown that tears when you even wiggle a little. Mine split right down the middle from my waist to my ankle. Real nice. Then, you have to sit there for God only knows how long in the tore up gown, freezing your hinny off, causing the hair on your legs to grow.. you know the same legs you spent time on making sure you had every little hair shaved because you knew they were going to be on either side of the mds head. All of this, as I was told, to "measure my uterus". Yeah, I had been looking forward to that for days, let me tell ya.
Ok, yeah, well measurements over, ripped gown off, street clothes back on, I am sitting in his office where is telling me what to expect and how he would do the surgery and I'm only half listening...until...I hear...and no "relations" for six weeks. Wait, what...relations? I wanted to laugh so hard. I was expecting the usual no lifting, no driving, and even no sex or maybe even intercourse...but "relations". I know what he meant of course, it was his choice of a word that humors me. And then humor of the word wears off...wait...did he just say SIX WEEKS?
Well...office preop done, surgery preop scheduled, surgery scheduled...
Ode to My Ovaries Part Two (The Pre Op)
Current mood: amused
Not much to tell, really. A lot of stupid ass questions and had to pee in a cup (you know to make sure I wasn't pregnant, since they were taking my reproductive organs and all) and get stuck. They put this terrible red bracelet on my arm and I couldn't take it off. I had to walk around with that things on for days. I had to sign this consent that stated, "Even though we are removing you reproductive organs and preforming a sterilization procedure, it is not 100% guaranteed that you will not get pregnant." Ok. This is great. I am having a complete hysterectomy and I could still get pregnant. I laughed so hard. I was like, ok, I want to get pregnant after this surgery so I can be in Ripley's, that would be awesome.
I was invited to participate in a research study and I agreed.
I had to sign another piece of paper that stated I was sure I wanted to do this. I asked if I could sign it and add a line at the bottom that said, "Yes, I understand that I am giving up my ability to have children. Yes, I understand what I am about to do and if I ever regret my decision and want a child, I will go to the animal shelter and adopt another cat."
Ok. Pre Op done. Have to be back at 5:30 AM on the big day.
June 26, 2008 - Thursday
Current mood: mellow
Can I just say that when big time celebs houses are being repoed, then you know the economy is in trouble. If big time hot shots can't make ends meet, then how in the hell are nobody peons supposed to make it?
With gas at 4 buck a gallon and food increasing something has to give. Its only going to get worse with all this flooding in the middle US.
American's have gotten lazy, and yes, I am including myself. Get pissed at me if you want, but you know I speak the truth. We as a society are used to not wanting for nothing. We have gotten greedy and take and take and take and rarely give back. We are greedy and lazy and I am glad to death that I am an American and I can say that. I am so glad to be in a country where I can run down the street and grab me a Pepsi and a Hersey bar and come home, prop my feet up, crank open my laptop, and watch some tv (Deadliest Catch is on at the moment). I am also proud to say that being an American Woman, I have rights. I can vote, I can express my opinion, I can do anything I damn well please, and I had the right to say I did not want any more children. That's way more than a lot of woman in this world can say and I think its forgotten sometimes. I know I tend to forget it.
I hope this tend with the economy is just the "it has to get worse to get better" phase, but I am afraid that its just beginning. What kind of planet will my son inherit when he is my age? Its so scary to think about. What will happen if we run of gas or can't afford it anymore? Learn to walk, buy bicycles? I guess that would help with us being a nation of obesity, ha. What happens if we run out of food? I hope that we have advanced as a society to where that will never happen, but its still a scary concept to think about.
Well, I'm not going to run to Wal-Mart and stock up just yet, but when Disney World starts offering huge discounted packages, then maybe I will really start to worry.
You gotta love people.
Current mood: peeved
Just returned from a visitation and something happened there that frustrated me so bad that I had to come home and write it down.
My mom pushed me to make sure that my child and I (yes, I wore a skirt) were very nicely dressed, including shoes. We both tend to run around in those holey Croc shoes and she wanted to make sure those were no where near our feet.
So, we get to the visitation and people are in blue jeans and flip flops and shorts. Ok. Look. I dug out my skirt and hid my holey shoes (my mom even said that I could have gotten by wearing them). But. Whatever. That's not what bothers me.
If you are going to a visitation, funeral...for God's sake, leave your cell phone in the car! No one wants to hear your "clever" ring tone while everyone is mourning.
Someone's phone starting going off, playing some country song, and the person obviously didn't know it was their phone because it didn't stop ringing.
Worse, another phone starting ringing a short time later and this person answers it! Answers her cell phone standing there right in front of the open casket and then walks over and sits down, complains because she can't hear, and excuses herself to the caller and walks outside.
I have seen some pretty tacky things in my life but I think this one takes the cake.
And thus it begins...
Current mood: rebellious
Ok, so, yeah, is it too late to change my mind? This whole "change of life" nonsense is for the birds. I was in the truck earlier, just riding, headed back to my Grands' house when out of no where the damn flood gates open. What caused it? I have no idea. The grass? Trees? My grand dad's driving? Not a clue.
Ok, look, people I was already a basket case, hovering on that small ledge between sane and insane, I don't need a helping push.
Hell, I know I've joked for years that I would be the crazy cat lady but the "crazy" part was rhetoric. I don't really have to be crazy to have all my cats.
May 30, 2008 - Friday
More Life with Grandparents
Current mood: cooky/wacky
I watching one of those morning shows and they were showing off animals and their babies. One of the animals they showed was a possum. Well, I kinda made a face because I think they are ugly and my grandmother, without missing a beat, says, "They may be ugly but they sure make for some good eating with some sweet potatoes."
Well, I just thought this was down right hilarious and started laughing. She went on to explain that you have to catch them in the wild and hand feed them before they can be eaten.
My grand dad came into the room then and I asked him about the possum and sweet taters. He agreed that it was good eaten and apparently it was "the thing" back in the day.
May 22, 2008 - Thursday
You gotta love kids
Current mood: silly
I was trying to get out of my car and I hit my head against the body of the car around the door. My child, without missing a beat, looked me and said, "You should of had a V-8."